7 Marriage and Domestic Violence

1. INTRODUCTION TO MARRIAGE IN THE INDIAN DIASPORA:

By now you must have come across many new aspects of life in the diaspora, especially those related to building a new home which William Safran (1991: 83-99) discusses. The issue of marriage is related to homing desires, and there is an area of intersection of these desires and the socio-cultural milieu. The historical patterns of Indian marriages seen alongside transnational influences show how religion, caste, region, class and race configure these unions; how aspirations towards modernity and upward mobility mark Indian society as well as Indian diaspora societies and how women respond to the question of marriage in these communities. Marriage becomes a vehicle for achieving these aspirations, and endogamy, or marriage within the community (religion, caste, lingusitic and regional group), continues, with some modifications, among Indians. In a diaspora community, marriage is far more than a conjugal partnership between two individuals: it is the best way of ensuring cultural continuity into the next generation. It is also a method of renewing kinship patterns, which mark Indian marriages. Yet just why and how does marriage play such a key role? For most Indian communities, marriage not only ensures the continuity of the blood-line through children, it also secures the “stable domestic environment within which the children can be socialised into the group ’s own specific norms and values” (Ballard 2001: 30) firmly entrenched by the mother. Thus for many groups, it is important to select marriage partners carefully so that children are “appropriately socialised”, and prepared to sustain the kinship loyalties into the next generation.

Roger Ballad writes about this in relation to marriages among Mirpuris and Sylhetis in the UK, while Jennifer Bowman (2013) addresses the issues of Indian traditional marriages in relation to religion, and Jane Myers et al (2005) compare Indian arranged marriages with marriages based on choice among Americans.

1.                 MARRIAGE AS A GROUP BEHAVIOUR/PHENOMENON:

Sociologists aver that communities follow their own life patterns controlled by major events. its members’ decisions with respect to residence, marriage, household formation and so forth. Those decisions are in turn related to group members’ traditional expectations about relations within the household, and efforts towards upward mobility.

Indian communities prefer arranging marriages for the young at a community-specific marriageable age. These practices are controlled by related to status, acceptability, and notions of honour or izzat which means respectability for men and chastity for women. Ram Gidoomal (1997) gives an excellent account of this.

3.  DESIRE FOR MODERNITY AND RESPECTABILITY, CAST ALONG “HOMING DESIRES”

Thus male-female relationships and marriage are linked with desire for modernity and respectability in Indian diaspora families. The desperate seeking of multiple aspects of human existence is implied by the term “homing desire” . It is not only a mythic desire of looking back to a home in the imagination, it incorporates a search for a real, tangible place to claim in foreign soil, a safe territory of ownership, where fulfilment comes from belonging, from a combined love of self and community, of work, pleasure, romance, a desire for cultural representation, and a need to define political identity. It is more of the lived experience of life abroad, its smells, heat, dust, snow as Avtar Brah (1996) describes. Laura Rus (2006) describes her search for the meaning of home in her article as “a journey from ‘home’ through the self (into the community) to a diasporic space of belonging, back to the self and then again to the “global” community,” (para 38).

The women in Indian diaspora communities are the main stakeholders in the growth of the family or community as an identifiable unit, as Mala Pandurang (2001) shows. It is these women of the first and second generation migrant families who are entrusted with, and often see themselves as, keeping the image of the Indian community as successful, unsullied, and their family or biradiri as respectable members, both abroad and in the subcontinent, mostly through marriage (Ballard2008; 2011; Ahmad 2006).

But these are invariably linked with alienation anxieties or other trauma associated with uprooting or being “routed” as C. Vijayasree (2001:132) suggests. Many short stories or novels by women writers of the diaspora delineate, somewhat tangentially, male and female friendship, which is the foundation for respect and equality between the genders. Bharati Mukherjee, Jhumpa Lahiri, Atima Srivastava, write stories about marriage and heterosexual romance whereas Suniti Namjoshi, Vayu Naidu and the writers of the now defunct Asian Women Writers’ Collective depict alternative sexualities, and non-conventional relationships,.

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4.  NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES

The Indian community is found to be successful in adapting to the hostland and keeping cultural “roots” intact, as Kurlantzick(2002) tells us. No doubt the burden of bringing out this success is shared by the unacknowledged half of the Indian population abroad, the hard-working and committed women-folk. This puts a double burden on women: to maintain traditions at home, and to work hard both at home and outside.

Western academicians often portray them as the silent powerless lot who are victims of forced marriages and dowry. Their agency, whatever their location, and their committed contribution to the upliftment of their family’s standard is hardly examined until recently.

Western ideologies not only construct fixed ideas of Third world women, but also control academic writing on them by those scholars who choose to work on them. Puwar and Raghuram (2003: 1-17) show how the West typifies all women from South Asia as meek and submissive, even academicians. According to Mohanty (1991: 176) Western ideologies not only construct fixed ideas of Third world women, but also control academic writing on them by those scholars who choose to work on them, thus perpetuating myths and stereotypes within academia, about how to problematise their identities. She gives examples of how different categories of women, as victims of male violence, as universal dependents, married women are all cast in the image of the tradition-bound “average third world woman” who is the opposite of the self-representation of emancipated Western women.

5. POSITIVE IMAGES

Indian women’s role as cultural entrepreneurs must be recognised, as opposed to widely circulated notions about their lack of agency in comparison with western women’s cultural superiority. One must differentiate between eurocentric notions of South Asian women in academic or theoretical writing, and the evidence of their agency that film and other literature affords. Indian women writers and film makers show how their protagonists are actively creating agency where it is denied, across gendered, racialised, ethnicised and classed formations of power. Ramji (2003: 230) regrets the “real dearth of material on women as cultural reproducers, who actively manufacture their identities, who do not merely perpetuate but modify their cultural systems by engaging with them positively”. Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni’s Mistress of Spices, both the novel and its film version, is a good example.

Thus, only a multilevel reading of cultural and academic texts can bring alive the idea of intersections and overlaps between borders on the apparently seamless multicultural societies in the diaspora. These are actually made up of little islands of communities, searching for a place to call home, negotiating each others’ claims to name their frontier of the metropolitan centre. Married women in the diaspora are an active part of this competitive and upwardly mobile force, and they are never passive victims but leaders of successful communities whose contribution is not recorded.

6.                 TRANSNATIONAL DIMENSIONS OF MARRIAGE

Anxious to preserve purity and transnationally carried values of the native society, the Indians of the older generation, often exercise complete control over the personal lives of the collective “second generation”. They often go to great lengths to find partners for their children from back home, and thus transnational marriage networks across countries and continents are an important aspect of diasporic domestic life. This situation maybe worth comparing with what is happening in India. In India, marriages are arranged, but many urban young people are choosing their own partners, from the same or different communities and religions, through friendship, dating or matrimonial sites. The contemporary history of rural Indian marriages gives often a gloomy and communally skewed picture of persecution of lovers or married people by Khap Panchayats.The norms of own choice, cross cultural versus arranged endogamous marriage vary widely within the Indian diaspora, from Punjabis in Vancouver to say South African Indians and highly educated professionals in the US. Caste has a more broad and liberal interpretation in most of the Indian diasporas, and though not absent in marriage alliances, often people of different linguistic groups who share the same caste are open to marriages, as long as the broad caste hierarchy is not violated. Of course, many second generation youth are preferring inter-caste own choice marriages but inter-religious and inter-race marriages are less frequent.

In inter- racial marriages, choosing partners from the white or Asian mainstream is still more popular than marrying people of African origin. In a growing migrant community the questions of love, marriage and sexuality are related to some amount of control by the older generation. According to Charlsey and Shaw (2006), there are new patterns of transnational marriages that have emerged over time. They argue that not only does marriage emerge as a very important institution “ for the production and transformation of transnational networks, but marriage practices and affinal relationships are themselves transformed in the process, underlining the dynamic nature of transnationalism” (Charlsey and Shaw 332).

7. IMPORTANCE OF ENDOGAMY

In a diaspora community, endogamous marriage not only continues the blood- line through but also secures the domestic environment to socialize children into the group’s own values. There are problems with partners coming from the subcontinent: these subcontinental partners go abroad carrying cultural practices that may be in conflict with those of the host country, expecting support and understanding which may not be forthcoming. Moreover, cultural difference is often highlighted in marriage.The importance of endogamy for the success of the Asian diaspora communities cannot be underrated. In all countries, the Indian community is endogamous to the point of practicing racism in their selection of spouse profiles.Thus an attitude of open support for intra- racial marriage conceals a suppressed fear or hatred of the Other, both on the part of the older and the younger generation in selection of partners. Alongside class compatibility, race and culture are thus two other factors which inhibit inter-racial alliances.

8. TABOOS AND BARRIERS: “OTHER” CULTURES.

One of the major reasons for arranged marriages arise out of the set of taboos held close by each community. Members of the black races and the dominant white are both disqualified on account of class and cultural difference more than skin colour or race by the Indian community, of which there are many examples in cultural texts like Mississippi Masala, Bhaji on the Beach and Bend it Like Beckham. Negative stereotyping produces inhibitions in both communities about forming permanent bonds.

The first credential for arranging a match is to look for the same religious affinity: Muslims and Sikhs would not electively arrange marriages with Hindus or Christians and vice versa (Gidoomal 1997). Even love marriages outside the religious affiliation is frowned upon, often boycotted, the couple disowned by both religious groups unless the more dominant one accedes. The next criterion for match making would be caste: the caste system actually helps resources to stay well within the social network, which works for mutual benefit in new, somewhat hostile circumstances (Gidoomal 1997; Ballard 1994; Ahmad 2006). The regional barrier is another strong one which works against alliance formation: North Indians do not prefer South Indian alliances, people from different states and linguistic nominations prefer similar affiliations in their partners, and even the country of origin is a very important deciding factor. However, within the same religious group, the last two barriers of caste and region, are sometimes overlooked. These three preconditions for arranging matches are the same as normal Indian practice, and above all else, class plays another crucial discriminating factor in the choice of partners in Indian marriages (Ramji 2003: 233).

9. ARRANGED MARRIAGES AND DOWRY

Arranged marriages are often thought of as based on corporate kinship interests, in contrast to ‘love marriages’ based on romantic attachment between the couple. In India and its diasporas marriage is often a key vehicle through which a family’s status is improved or expressed, though there may be other factors involved in weighing the attractions of a particular match. This logic is extended in transnational marriages, with the benefits of immigration and citizenship like The Green Card or Permanent Residency, PR, providing additional motivations. There are positive impacts of this, say, when the tradition is suitably adapted to the rigours of globalisation and migration, and negatively, the tradition can be seen “as the sacrifice of daughters on the basis of material aspirations” (Mooney 2006, cited in Charlsey and Shaw 338).

Moreover, as the writing of Gayatri Spivak (1999) Samir Amin (1980) and other scholars show, the migrants from the economic South, aim to assume the status of the bourgeois of the west. The women they marry become party to their project of upward mobility. The rights to the earnings and the emotional and other investments of these women are either appropriated, or seen as subservient to the male migrant’s contribution to the status of the family.

Thus class aspirations are negotiated through the marriage alliance, hard work and frugal habits, and the Indian family as a social unit aspires to the upper classes. In tune with the project of upward growth, the first generation immigrant focuses on earning, saving and transferring funds to the transnational family, and then after gaining foothold in the host country, relocates the family. Soon, the members of the family start earning to support the increase in the domestic budget, and as basic needs are met, demands for tangible goods associated with prosperity are bought, like a washing machine, television and other consumer durables, followed by a house, a car and sending children to private schools, though maintaining frugal habits. It is this class which often gets some of these items ‘gifted’ by the bride’s family or paid for in cash as dahej, daj or dowry, as in South Asian marriages.

Ahmad speaks of how British Asian women, specially Punjabi women, negotiate their financial independence despite remaining embedded in the traditional structure of arranged marriage and dowry: “Instead of remaining passive in the process of dowry exchange, their greater financial autonomy meant that they exercised a high degree of control over the contents of their dowries, with the often full expectation of control over the contents once they were married” (2006: 284).

10. ASSISTED MARRIAGES:

There are wide Asian and transnational networks, and marriage bureaus, internet services for arranging marriages, www.bharatmatrimony.com, www.vivah.com and community specific sites like www.bengalmatrimony.com have evolved into convenient methods of spouse selection, across national barriers, spanning countries and continents.This is a typical ad for a NRI groom.

Many modern educated, financially independent young women prefer the strength of the community and the dynamism of modernity to let marriage evolve into a durable institution, rather than a disruptive, or outmoded social system (Ramji 2003). They electively opt for marriage within the community with like-minded spouses, who would be the “right balance between the old and the new” and because they “can’t stand people who are ashamed to be Indian” (Ibid: 233), as one of Ramji’ s respondents tell her. Their choice of partners from within the community reflects, rather than social control or culture clash, desirefor similar racial origins, and a serious concern with homing.

11. CAREERS, LABOUR AND THE DOMESTIC SPACE

Spivak (1987)highlights how women’s bodies in the diaspora continue to be used for their reproductive labour as well as work outside as the bodies of Indian women back home. The average Indian looks for ways to increase the family income by the involvement of every member of the family, and takes for granted women’s labour. They are the ones silently working behind desks and counters, cornershops, motels and groceries, or sewing till their eyes ache and backs hurt in sweatshops owned by ruthless owners.They also go to school, college and work in corporate offices, the media, culture and in the government sectors. Over and above all this they are the ones performing reproductive labour: cooking, cleaning and washing at home, along with bearing and nurturing children. Marriage is the official sanction for control over women’s labour, sexuality and fertility.

12. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND HONOUR KILLINGS

Domestic violence is a global phenomenon that cuts across nation, religion, race and class. Yet the specific situation in the Indian diaspora where brides are often brought from the homeland, and are relatively powerless in a new and alien environment, gives rise to deeply traumatic experiences for women in the marital home. There are also the numerous cases where the man comes back to the homeland, marries a woman from there and then abandons her, while he returns to the hostland.

Despite their labour, even today, in the 21st century, there are records of a staggering amount of Asian women who are mentally unstable, or are declared so by their husbands and the psychiatric units dealing with them. Many are targets of domestic violence, abuse, dowry problems and other types of victimization.

Shamita Das Dasgupta (2010) writes that as early as 2004 “approximately 12,000 abandoned women live in Gujarat,”and that “25,000 wives of NRIs have been deserted in Punjab”. She adds that in Punjab nearly 20,000 unsolved court cases are there against NRI husbands for abandoning their wives. Two out of ten men abandon their wives in Canada, which has at least 10,000 runaway grooms. More than 30,000 women in India have been abandoned by NRI husbands.

Indian women’s torture at their husband ’s hands often goes unpunished by law. There are also horrible cases of child abuse, child molestation, rape and torture in the host country, where families are more isolated, and the society more unobtrusive. In the U.S.A dowry deaths are not as frequently reported as honour killings is. In the U.K., citizenship laws are so strict that there are many violations among Indian aliens or those without work permits, and among them such crimes are more common. Canadian police is doing a heavy crackdown on this issue, and Australian law is actively trying to give every Australian the right to live in peace, and therefore looking at mysterious deaths among Indian communities with great care. Abandonment, abduction, and declaring lunacy are other cruelties perpetrated on women, and many writers and organizations like SAKHI, Southall Black Sisters, (UK), Manavi (New Jersey), the first organisation in the US to focus on violence against South Asian immigrant womenhave long fought against these.

Honour killings are another great bane, and in the UK 28000 honour crimes have been reported by the police annually, of which 12 deaths are an average, in 2013. In a study conducted in 2010, 33 honour killings happened, mostly in North America and 67 in Europe, to Muslim women of various origins.

It is astounding to think that liberated, developed societies like those in the West, allow some of its citizens to be brutalized in the name of privacy, incompatibility, mistake or “cultural problem”. Such violence often lurks under the untold stories of Indian women’s lives even in the 21st century as the Kiranjit Ahluwalia case does, till the film Provoked was made by Jag Mundhra.

Sarbjit Kaur Athwal writes in her book Shamed (2013) about how she had to single handedly fight her mother-in-law Bachan Kaur’s plan to murder her after she had her innocent sister-in-law Surjit murdered in India. According to her account, by the time Sarbjit was 19, her parents were keen for her to have an arranged marriage — and they thought they’d found the perfect family. The Athwals lived in Hayes and there were two sons, one of whom was already married. The other son, Hardave, worked for an electrical company and was seeking a wife. They got married but Sarbjit nd her sister-in-law Surjit were made to cook and clean and had no personal freedom at all. Surjit grumbled about never being allowed to wear western clothes or have friends of her own. Eventually, she rebelled by having her hair cut and in January 1994, she moved out. But within weeks, her husband, who was a part-time coach driver, had tracked her down, beaten her up and was threatening to kill her if she didn’t return. Finally, she agreed and they moved into the house next door.

The Surjit who returned was a very different woman from the one who ’d left. At 23, she now insisted on going out with friends in the evening, taking along a bag of western clothes. Her husband hit her and this made Surjit even more defiant. He also began secretly following her when she left work. In 1997, when Surjit became pregnant again, her husband was convinced the baby wasn’t his: he’d seen her go into a house with a man. She vehemently denied this. Their mother-in-law Bachan Kaur made a plan with a contact In India, who had told her to bring her daughter-in-law to India, where he ’d ‘take care of her’. Sarbjit was petrified but she was told to remain silent. Yet she called Crimestoppers, a UK charity, and gave them relevant details. She also wrote to the local police station. No action was taken and Surjit was murdered as planned in India. Sarbjit was also threatened with death if she told the police anything. Despite the threat, Sarbjit told her sister the whole story and she went to Charing Cross Police Station, gave a statement, and was recalled several times to meet more senior officers. Again, though, the police did nothing. Sarbjit’s husband started divorce proceedings and even tried — unsuccessfully — to claim on Surjit’s £100,000 life insurance. She writes: “He was also threatening me. Once, with no provocation, he drove his mini-van straight at me and I only just managed to jump out of the way.”

Later when Sarbjit fell ill and was in a hospital and her mother’s home, Detective Inspector Clive Driscoll took a personal interest in her case so that she could save herself, get Bachan Kaur jailed, seek divorce and live in peace, independently with her two children.

This link found on Facebook about the real life story of Sarbjit Kaur Athwal, might be a useful one to follow.

<http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2341981/My-mother-law-murderess-net-curtains-suburban-London-home-horrific-story-arranged-marriage-claims-adultery-appalling-murder-awesome-courage.html>The incompatibility of men and women in marriage and its outcome are usually abandonment, alienation or insanity. Heaven on Earth, a film by Deepa Mehta, is a nuanced treatment of this issue. Thus unhappy marriages are more commonly projected as an inevitable part of immigrant life. Whether it is arranged or love marriage, or sexual relationships between consenting adults, if there are conflicting material ambitions between partners, or the lack of involvement in community activity, personal happiness suffers.

Conclusion

The life of an Indian woman in diaspora, after marriage, is subject to violence and brutality as much as her counterpart in India, and thus pictures of first world advantage or superiority are a mere eye-wash. There are happy and successful marriages as well, and women are empowered by organizations if and when they reach out to them in these First World locations. New patterns of transnational migrations lead to new ways of law infringement, and there are always violators taking advantage of women who have little access to law or funds. “Changes in international advocacy, law and policy are required to ensure justice and a viable life, especially to women in this situation.” (Dasgupta 2010)

Web Resources

You can read these sources for more information on honour killings in UK
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-11-12/foreign-correspondent-honour-killings/5082946
BBC Statistics On Honour Crimes In Britain
http://wikiislam.net/wiki/Muslim_Statistics_-_Honor_Violence