37 Communicating Assertively
Ipshita Bansal
1. Module 37: Communicating Assertively
2. Learning Outcome
3. Introduction
4. Definition& Meaning
5. Passive vs. Aggressive vs. Assertive Behavior
6. Assertive Communication Techniques
7. Transformational Assertiveness vs. Traditional Assertiveness
8. Formula for Assertive Communication
9. Advantages of Communicating Assertively
10. Summary
1. Module 37: Communicating Assertively
2. Learning Outcome:
- By the end of this module, students will be able to understand
- The concepts related to assertive Communication
- The techniques of assertive Communication Transformational assertiveness
- The skills of communicating assertively
3. Introduction
Between people as among nations, respect of each other’s right insures the peace.
– Benito Juarez, Former President of Mexico for 5 terms
Assertiveness is the ability of an individual to honestly express their feelings,attitudes,opinions and rights in a way that respects the rights of others also.Communicating assertively means politely expressing the feelings or view point without being too passive or too aggressive.This communication skill is very important and useful as it is based on mutual respect of the parties involved.Assertive communication helps in avoiding resentment,frustration,anxiety and avoidance.
4. Definition&Meaning
According to Robert E Alberti and Michael Emmons–
“Behavior which enables a person to act in his or her own best interest, to stand up for herself or himself, without undue anxiety, to express honest feeling comfortably, or to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others, we call Assertive Behavior”.
According to Dorland’s Medical Dictionary
Assertiveness is a form of behavior characterized by a confident declaration or affirmation of a statement without need of proof; this affirms the person’s rights or point of view without either aggressively threatening the rights of another (assuming a position of dominance) or submissively permitting another to ignore or deny one’s rights or point of view.
Often we come across people who are not able to protect their interests and always speak or behave as other people expect them to. Such people are depicting passive or submissive behavior. On the other hand there are people who are only concerned with protecting their own interests and impose their will on others with out considering their needs also. Such people are depicting aggressive behavior. Both Passive
– Submissive and Aggressive behavior reduce effectiveness, in personal as well as professional space. Most effective behavior is Assertive behavior.
5. Passive vs. Aggressive vs. Assertive Communication Passive Communication style:
In the 1st picture we see that the subordinate is asking the boss, permission to attend the assertiveness training. To which the boss refuses. The subordinate with the bowed head accepts the response of the boss. From the picture we can see that the subordinate is really in need of the assertiveness training as he is adopting passive communication style.
In the 2nd picture we see a man is asking a woman ,” Are you assertive?” , to which the woman is asking the opinion of the man regarding the issue. She is not sure of herself. Her communication style is also Passive communication style.
In the 3rd picture we see that a woman is asking another woman about the quality of the soup she has cooked. Although the other woman that is the receiver of the question doesn’t like the soup she replies that it is good. As a consequence she will have to drink the whole bowl and suffer in silence because she engages in passive communication.
In the 4th picture a woman is saying O.K. but thinking that she didn’t want it. She lacks the courage to express her view point truthfully.
In the 5th picture we see candidates sitting in a classroom to attend assertiveness training. On the board the spelling of assertiveness is written wrong and they know it but asking each other to inform the trainer.
All these are the examples of passive communication style.
This type of style is adopted when one is unable to stand for one’s rights. While expressing his feelings the person is cautious and apologetic. In the case of conflict the person with this style will not be able to protect his rights and will be taken for granted due to not having the ability or willingness to take a stand. People with Passive communication style give out a message that they do not think that their views are also important. It helps people to escape anxiety and keep peace. Always accepting others’ views even if one does not actually agrees with them or not being able to say no to commands or requests also come under passive communication style. Passivity in communication leads to feelings of anger, resentment, victimization and wanting revenge which ultimately lead to lot of stress and health problems. This is not an effective style of communication.
Aggressive Communication Style:
In the 1st picture we see a man is intimidating a person and almost pushing him against the wall by talking down to him with a pointed finger. The person talking is aggressive communicator and the person listening is passive communicator.
In the 2nd picture we see a woman stopping a man from talking by gesturing by her hand while looking away from himindicating that what she has said is the final word and discussion is closed. The woman is the aggressive communicator and the other person is passive communicator.
In the 3rd picture we see two people looking at each other with dislike and adamancy not ready to give in to other person’s views or needs. Here both are aggressive communicators.
The 4th picture is depicting an individual, extremely angry and projecting a threatening body language.
In all the four situations effective communication is not possible and likelihood of achieving win-win scenario is almost impossible.
In this style the person standup aggressively for their rights and are likely to violate other people’s rights. Aggressive communication style may make one believe that one can get what one wants by being aggressive. But such communication style is not sustainable as this reduces mutual trust and respect. People adopting aggressive communication style express their feelings and emotions in an inappropriate way, even though they may be aware that they are wrong. Theyimpose their views on otherswhich is likely to result in hurting the and feelings of others. This ultimately leads to lot of stress for both the parties and deterioration of relationship.
Assertive Communication Style:
In the 1st picture we see a lady standing upright with a calm and pleasant expression on her face, looking very much in control of the situation. She is depicting assertive body language.
In the 2nd picture we see two people talking in harmony with each other on equal terms. None of the two is engaged in either passive or aggressive communication.
In the third picture we see a small group of people discussing some matter again in a relaxed and non
threatening atmosphere where no one is engaged in aggressive or passive communication. All the
members of the group are talking on equal terms.
In the 4th picture there is a depiction of the statement ‘I disagree’ by a person, but with a firm but pleasant
demeanor. The ability to communicate disagreement or refusal in a proper way is very important in
communication.
All the four picture show Assertive communication style.
This style is the balancing position between the two styles of passive and aggressive communication. t is an empathetic way of communicating with people. People adopting assertive communication style stand up for their rights without violating the rights of other people. In this style person expresses viewpoint openly,honestly and politely but firmly. People with self confidence, high self esteem and knowledge about the situation or subject they are talking about adopt this style of communication. Assertive communication style results in creating win-win situations, improved decision making, earning respect from others and developing long term fruitful relationship with people.
Let us summarize these styles in the following table:
| Base | Passive | Aggressive | Assertive |
| Need Satisfaction | Not considering one’s own needs as important | Believing that only one’s own need is important and other people’s needs are not important. | Firmly believing that one’s own needs are as important as other person’s |
| Action | Act as per the needs and demands of others to the extent of being bullied by others. | Act only for only one’s benefit to the extent of bullying others. | Act to balance one’s own as well as other’s benefit. |
| Orientation |
Act as per the needs and demands of others to the extent of being bullied by others.
|
Act only for only one’s benefit to the extent of bullying others. | Act to balance one’s own as well as other’s benefit. |
| Speech | Not speaking much, not having the ability of being heard. | Not letting others speak | Speaking one’s own view |
| Value Orientation | Valuing peace at the cost of self interest. | Valuing self interest at the cost of peace. | Valuing fairness for both the parties. |
| Relationships | Damages relationships – other people respect you less | Damages relationships –other people don’t like aggression |
Enhances relationships – other peopleknow where they stand
|
| Self Esteem | Damages one’sself-esteem | Damages others self-esteem | Builds and maintains one’sself-esteem |
Communicating assertively is not an easy task but it can be learned.First of all a person needs to have the clear understanding about oneself and one’s viewpoint. This understanding of oneself develops the self confidence required for assertive communication.
People who communicate assertively gets easily into win –win situation by finding the common ground.
People can better solve the problem by communicating in this manner.
People having the assertive communication skills are calm and in control of the situation as they have the confidence in their potential to handle the situations.
5.1 Barriers to Assertive Communication
Alberti and Emmons through their research on thousands of people found that there are three significant barriers to self assertiveness:
1. People do not believe that they have right to be assertive.
2. People are highly anxious/fearful about being assertive.
3. People lack the social skills for effective self expression.
6. Assertive Communication Techniques
There are various techniques to communicate assertively that are being discussed below:
1. Introspect about your own communicative style: As a communicator you should introspect about your own style whether you are aggressive that is trying to dominate the conversations, are people scared of you while you talk, or whether you are passive that is you never put up your own view point, always accept other’s point of view. After such objective introspection effort should be made to develop assertive communication skills.
2. Be clear about the objective of the communication: If a person is not clear about what outcome he /she wants as a result of the communication he /she can not be assertive. So you should be clear about the objective of the communication to be able to state clearly what you want to say.
3. Prior Preparation of Communication: It is always a good practice to prepare or rehearse the communication beforehand if the matter to be talked about is important and sensitive. Also, rehearsing before hand is advisable if communicating with a specific person is stressful.
4. Use clear and precise language: A speaker should use clear words and language which the audience can understand easily. Also to be assertive it is important that language should be precise and crisp to convey the clear message. Also use well modulated voice tone while communicating
5. Make use of the I statements: In order to communicate assertively person should make use of the I statement like I want,I feel, I think etc. to convey the viewpoint assertively.
6. Empathize with the other party: Empathy is a technique that requires understanding the other person’s viewpoint first and then expressing what you want out of them. If you empathize than the likely hood of being aggressive during communication is minimized.
For example, “I know that you have some resource crunch in your department .However, this work needs to be completed by Friday. So let’s doit together and make a plan”.
7. Apprising of consequences :When in the first attempt you are not able to express your viewpoint assertively then you should get firm the next time. For example, when one of your office staff reaches late to the office then on second or third instance you should remindthe staffabout the negative consequences the employee will face if the mistake is repeated,to make your point clear.
8. Communicate only when emotionally stable: When a person is highly emotional then it is not possible to convey one’s viewpoint clearly and firmly. So whenever you are angry, sad, or under the influence of any form of extreme emotion, you should postpone communicating till the time thoughts are settled down or ask the other person to have the communication at a more appropriate time.
9. Repeating the statement: During a conversation if the receiver of the message is not listening to you, then you should repeat the same statement again and again to make the other person understand that you really mean what you are saying.
10. Scripting: This technique involves preparing of responses using the approach of describing the following:
a. The event: Inform the other person how you see the situation or problem.
For example, Milan, the production costs this month are 20% higher than average. You didn’t give me
any indication of this, which meant that I was completely surprised by the news.
b. Your feelings: Clearly state how you are feeling in a situation to put your point across.
For example, this frustrates me and makes me feel like you don’t understand or appreciate how
important financial controls are in the company.
c. Your needs: Clearly state your needs so that there is no confusion in the mind of the other person. For
example you tell your team , “I need you all to be fully focused on the task at hand and postpone
any plans of taking leave till the time this project is wrapped up.
d. The consequences: Describe the positive outcome if your needs are fulfilled. For example, I’m here to help
you and support you in any way I can. If you trust me, then together we can achieve the targets.
11. Use appropriate body language: Communication isn’t just verbal. The body language plays an important
role.While talking your facial expressions should reflect how you are feeling, angry, sad, irritated or
delighted.Maintain upright posture,firm eye contact, steady voice and confidence while communicating.
12. Receive criticism and compliments positively: You should accept other people’s remarks whether positive or negative with open mind without being either sad or aggressive. After making mistake don’t hesitate to apologize or take help.
13. Learn to say ‘No’:You should not accept just anything or everything said or demanded by others. Learn to say ‘No’to demands and requests which are beyond your limits or put unfair pressure on you.
14. Start with low risk situations: Practice the newly learnt assertive style of communication in low risk situations with friends or acquaintances before practicing it in high risk situations like communicating with the seniors at work place. Many people, when trying out assertive behavior for the first time, “go too far” and become aggressive. Take the needed time and observe actions.
Practice and ask for feedback from trusted friends or colleagues.
7. Traditional vs Transformational Assertiveness:
We have to consider whether we need something more than the techniques to be assertive.
According to Charles .M. Lines, the traditional approach to assertiveness, is emotion neutral, rational, and uses standard techniques of assertive communication. That is why it can sometimes be difficult to make this approach heard in difficult or emotional circumstances. Also, from the viewpoint of an aggressive person, the traditional approach to assertiveness may come across as weak, but from the viewpoint of a passive person it may come across as overly strong or even aggressive.
Lines has suggested the use of transformational assertiveness where the communicator seeks to mold his or her emotions and behavior as per the demands of the situation and context instead of applying standardized and neutral model of assertive communication, claiming applicability in every situation.Transformational assertiveness is fluid and changeable.It may look and sound different in different situations. Some times the situation may be such that the communicator, to control the situation, may have to assert himself by being aggressive, thus adopting Assertive aggressive style. In another situation the communicator to control the situation, may have to assert himself by being passive, thus adopting Assertive passive style.
Using Transformational Assertiveness
To use transformational assertiveness effectively you need to first understand how others prefer to interact with you.
There are four main ways in which people can interact with you:
As Takers – an aggressive approach where the Taker wins and you lose
As Givers – a passive approach where the Giver loses and you win
As Swappers – an assertive approach where the Swapper seeks win/win outcomes through the use of balanced, objective, logical approaches
As Sharers – an assertive approach where the Sharer seeks win/win outcomes by directly tapping into and effectively using the emotions and behaviors inherent in a situation.
Each of the above types of interactions are best addressed by the following types of assertive response to achieve win-win situation for both the parties:
Takers are best responded to by an assertive/aggressive style of transformational assertiveness to keep their tendency of being pushy in check.
Givers are best responded to by an assertive/passive style of transformational assertiveness to enable them to put forward their views, needs and wants.
Swappers are best responded to by traditional assertiveness approach using various techniques as per the needs of the situation.
Sharers are best responded to by a number of assertiveness styles depending on the situation and the context by understanding the emotional state and the behavior of the person and tapping in your own emotions to control the situation effectively.
Adapted from Charles .M .Lines accessed on
http://www.tallistraining.co.uk/assertiveness_article.htm
8. Formula for Assertive Communication
The most effective way for assertive communication can be the following:
I feel __________________ when ______________________________ what I would like you to do is ____________________________.
EXAMPLE:
I feel really disappointed whendespite being the senior most person of your team you don’t take the responsibility to work towards the agreed upon plan for improving the performance of the Delhi sector. What I would like you to do is, be the leader of your team and coach them by your own example how to bring about the changes in the work methods and work as per the plan agreed upon, so that we can achieve the goals.
The first part of the statement “I feel ___________” starts the statement on an assertive note being firm enough to state ones feeling about the situation, so taking it out of the area of passivity. Also by starting with self and not the other person, the possible aggression in the statement is also controlled.
The next part of the statement “when _________” needs to be very specific. In the statement the speaker clearly and precisely states what the listener does which is not appropriate and needs to be changed
The last part of the statement “what I would like you to do _________.” again very clearly and precisely tells the listener what he needs to do.
The last part of the statement is very important because an assertive communicator not only highlights the problems but also suggest what should be the action plan to solve the problem.
9. Advantages of Communicating Assertively
1. It reflects your self-confidence and high self-esteem.
2. Your feelings, needs and wants are more likely to be understood.
3. It increases your convincing power.
4. It projects dignity and calmness in your dealings with others.
5. It helpyou to gain freedom from internal conflicts.
6. It helps you to feel empowered and not unjustly controlled by others.
7. It helps you in minimizing stress in interpersonal communications.
8. It helps you in earning respect from others.
9. It creates a win-win situation for parties involved in communication process.
10. It Improvesyour decision-making skills.
11. It helps you formingbalanced relationships with others.
12. It helps you to achieve your goals.
10. Summary
In our personal as well as professional spaces communicating effectively is very important for achieving goals and developing and maintaining relationships. The styles of communication can be Passive, Aggressive or Assertive. Effectiveness of communication is largely dependent on being able to adopt assertive communication style because if one is assertive one can express oneself clearly as well as appreciate others points of view also. Assertive communication indicates that one is confident, empathetic and in control of the situation. Assertive communication can be learned by continuous practice following certain guidelines
References
1. Hunter, C. L., Goodie, J. L., Oordt, M. S., &Dobmeyer, A. C. (2009). Integrated Behavioral Health in Primary Care: Step-by-step Guidance for Assessment and Intervention, American Psychological Association.
2. Robert, E.A., Michael, L.E.(2001) Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships, Impact Publishers, San Luis Obispo, CA
3. file:///C:/Users/admin/Downloads/Communicating_Assertively_in_the_Workplace.pdf
- Charles .M . Lines http://www.tallistraining.co.uk/assertiveness_article.htm
- http://members.shaw.ca/pdg/what-is-assertive-behaviour.html
- http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644?pg=2
- http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/06/04/5-tips-for-communicating-assertively-without-being-passive-aggressive/
- http://www.wikihow.com/Communicate-in-an-Assertive-Manner
- https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Assertiveness.htm
- http://www.uwosh.edu/ccdet/caregiver/Documents/Gris/Handouts/gracasr.pdf
- http://static1.squarespace.com/static/527a94e2e4b05b146cef7608/t/551d5b56e4b0d2fede690361 /1427987286319/Assertive_Communication.pdf
- http://media.psychology.tools/worksheets/english_us/assertive_communication_en-us.pdf